Crisis Management
by OverMaster
Summary: Yet another turn of the wheel on the concept of Fusion Universe Shared Continuity dirty megacrossovers. Absolutely not for children! Further warning: The first few chapters were written nine years ago, back when I was even worse of a writer than I am now (I think so, at least...)
1. Oh my Goddess!

The following work of fiction is not recommended or suggested for anyone under eighteen or with a delicate constitution.

_Mahou Sensei Negima!, Love Hina, Earth Defense Force Mao-Chan, A.I. Love You, My Santa_ and _UQ Holder_ were created by Akamatsu Ken_._

_Paradise Residence, Oh my Goddess!_ and _You're Under Arrest!_ and all their characters were created by and are the property of Fujishima Kosuke.

Sunrise created and owns _Mai-Hime_ and _Mai-Otome._

_Danganronpa_ is the property of Spike Chunsoft.

Masaki Tsuzuki created, and Seven Arcs owns, _Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha._

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu_ was created by Tanigawa Nagaru and Noizi Ito.

_Boku wa Tomodachi ga Sukunai_ was created by Hirasaka Yomi and Buriki.

_To-LOVE-Ru_ and _Black Cat_ were created by Hasemi Saki and Yabuki Kentaro.

_School Days_ and associated properties were created by 0verflow.

Other series parodied here were created by other authors.

No similarities between anyone or anything portrayed here and anything or anyone from real life was ever intended.

Absolutely no one is making any money at all out of this work of fiction.

* * *

**Crisis Management.**

With credits (again) to inspirators, co-writers and occasional proofreaders Shadow Crystal Mage and Darkenning.

* * *

**Episode One: Oh my Goddess!**

* * *

In the beginning, there was only one. A single black infinitude- so cold and dark, for so very long that even the burning light was imperceptible.

But the light grew, and the infinitude shuddered. And the darkness finally screamed, in as much pain as relief.

For in that instant, a Multiverse was born- a Multiverse of worlds vibrating and replicating... and a universe that should have been one, became many.

That was then.

* * *

_Yggdrasil:_

Amidst the absolute darkness, casting the shadows away, shone the regal gold of elaborated rings and pendants on the ears of a young and impossibly beautiful woman, apparently around twenty years old, who slowly opened her lovely blue eyes. She had long and smooth light brown hair, almost blond, reaching down to her knees' height. Her adorable, perfect face featured exotic, distinctive markings; a very small blue triangle under each clear eye, and a thin vertical blue line on the middle of her forehead. She wore no clothes or footwear; aside the golden rings in most fingers of her delicate hands; aside from multiple collars, and the multiple already mentioned earrings, she was completely naked.

She descended, floating in an elegant vertical line, silent and gracefully, through several levels of paradisiacal gardens, each one more luminous than the one before. Until she stopped, with the soft tips of her feet touching the surface of a pool of crystalline waters, surrounded by hundreds of rose bushes. And she looked down. Under the transparent surface rested a whole universe, and at the middle of it, there was a tiny, gorgeous blue planet.

* * *

_This infinite universe is full of different lives. It is the source of all those lives, and it has been reborn time and time again through the never ending stream of existence. How was this infinite stream created? How is determined what will be the fate of those stars and lives that are created and destroyed?_

_Fate… Is a fate given to all those gifted with a life? In this small planet, so very many lives have been created, and they have been granted 'fates' of their own. As long as there are births, life will also have to reach a natural end. During those short spans of time, these lives must transpire as intended._

_Guided by its wishes, mankind, largely on its own, has evolved. It has known prosperity, degeneration, discovery and destruction. Is it possible that the human race, responsible over all of that, is controlled by fate as well? And what if a person's fate were controlled by another, without taking their own desires into account…?_

_If the fates of human beings are determined by another… __Who is that another?_

* * *

_Somewhere in Tibet_.

The small fortress of thick black walls was half buried under a few feet of snow at the peak of one of the world's highest mountains. It was supposed to be a man's Shangri La. His last hideout from the cruelties of the world outside. It was his safe place. And he was, at least, relatively happy with it.

Then, why was _**he**_ there, intruding, hunting for him? Couldn't _**he**_ just leave him alone? Did _**he**_ need to hound his steps through the world, right down to his last safe hiding place? What did spur him to do so? _What?_

It didn't matter. It wouldn't matter anymore, never. Now, he was prepared for _**him**_. As he heard _**him**_ dispatch his guards, sitting behind his working desk inside of his office, and he watched _**him**_ through his many TV screens, shooting his way through his troops, the scrawny, bespectacled man caressed the gun in his bony hands. _**He**_ wouldn't take him this time. He would make sure of it, one way or another.

Did _**he**_ have any idea of how much it had cost him to hire all those guards with the salary of a mangaka? _**He**_ plowed his path through them as if he didn't have any care in the world, smiling with cocky confidence, every once in a while throwing a few grenades at them or pulling a bazooka out of his stupid brown hairdo to blow them up. It was all a game for him? Did _**he**_ have such a low concept of him? Unacceptable.

_**He**_ was getting closer. The sitting man already could hear the explosions near his door, complete with the desperate yells of the soldiers. It was time. Clearing his sore throat, he stood up and walked to the door, gun in hand.

"I'm waiting for you, SOB," he said then, with a voice that tried to sound cocky and defiant, yet only conveyed a strangled awkwardness.

An Elite Ex-Green Beret mercenary being thrown through his door into the office was _**his**_ way of saying 'Here I am,' two seconds later. As the unfortunate man fell to the manga artist's feet muttering _"He's crazyyyyyy..."_ very weakly, his tormentor, not bruised at all, stepped in to face him, fixing his tie with an air of complete aloofness befitting a cheesy action movie star from the seventies.

And yet, there was a grim resolve of his own in _**his**_ eyes.

"Rikdo-san," he said, gravely. "We need to talk."

His old partner pointed his gun at his forehead, right between his eyes, under his huge afro. "The time for talking is over, Nabeshin. You'll never convince me to partner with you again!"

"Is that so?" he asked, critically, giving a long, cynical smoking of the cigarette between his lips. "You shouldn't be so obstinate. Everyone else already has given their approval."

"You lie," the man with the handgun growled. "You just want to trick me again..."

_**He**_ shrugged, and before the other guy could react putting a bullet into him, he threw a few documents at him. "You can check these out and tell me if I lie..."

He distrusted, naturally. But still, he just had to know if _**he**_ was being sincere this time. The curiosity got the best of him, and he quickly picked up the papers and read them with widened eyes behind his glasses. "Th-This can't be..."

"Oh, but it is. And if you don't want to take a part on it, you'll be the only one left out. Your call, Rikdo-san. But I'd suggest you to do it... even if it's only for the good ol' times... and the most important thing..."

"Do you mean-?" the scrawny man asked him, with some hope in his voice.

"Yes." _**He**_ nodded solemnly. "Lots of money!"

The smaller man had to sigh in defeat. "Okay. You win, damn you. I'll do it... for the money!"

"I expected no less from you," Nabeshin sincerely said.

Rikdo pulled the old approval seal out of one of his pockets and held it over the expecting documents as he pronounced the old oath:

"I, Koshi Rikdo, hereby allow this to become the first episode of our massive group collaboration, the—what are we calling it this time?"

"_Crisis Management_. Fitting, isn't it?"

"Crisis Management it is, then!" Koshi Rikdo cried, slamming the seal on the documents.

***STAMP!***

* * *

The night was slightly chilly outside, but not really dark; a huge full moon shone in the sky with silvery splendor. The city streets were mostly lonely and peaceful, which goes to show how much of a fantasy fanfic this is, since there is no way frickin' a major Japanese city in the near future is ever going to be that way at any hour with so many people living there, but I digress.

The young man was sitting near the window, gazing forlornly at the sleeping city outside.

"Fuck this…" he sighed deeply to himself, scratching his head full of short, messy black hair with a hand. "I'm penniless, dateless, and hungry on a Saturday night at the prime of my life, alone in a miserable boarding house smelly of rancid pizza and full of gay magazines. My life sucks…" He kicked an issue of _'Big Manly Muscles Monthly'_ aside. "Dammit, Tamiya, why must you leave your sick things everywhere!"

He leaned forward against the window and whined, while his stomach roared in protest. "Okay, screw this. I don't care if I'm left without money for tomorrow, but at least I'll eat something tonight!"

He stood up and walked to the phone, unburying it from under a pile of dirty socks of his roommates, whose smell kept the cockroaches away from the place. "Hello?" he made a call. "Mario and Luigi's Pizza Parlor? Morisato Keiichi here again…"

"You have reached the Goddess Relief Service System," an impossibly sweet and lovely voice replied from the other side of the line. "Wait only a second, please. We'll be there shortly to help you…"

The young student blinked, confused. "Mr. Luigi?" he babbled. "Don't tell me you had the operation made on you at last…"

But then, something else took him by surprise. The big mirror hanging from the nearby wall, the same one that Tamiya and Ootaki used to flex off in front of wearing nothing but Speedos, started to glow in a ghostly eerie light. "YIPE!" Morisato jumped away. "Oh, no! That Reiko Mikami woman on TV *WAS* right! Ghouls and ghosts *ARE* invading our mortal realm!"

Then, to his complete amazement, a head popped out of the mirror. An absolutely perfect, lovely face, of big and clear blue eyes and pink lips, flawless skin, topped by a long mane of light brown, almost blonde silky hair. Followed by a long, graceful neck, a slim, curvaceous body full of health and life, and long, slender legs.

Keiichi's mouth trembled and was left dry as he eyed the apparition with huge black eyes, backing away into a corner. "Wh-What…" he stammered. "Wh-What the hey…"

The woman smiled gently at him, floating down to land in front of the man. "Good evening. Enchanted to meet you, Morisato Keiichi. I am Belldandy, First Category Goddess, Unlimited. I am here to make your wishes reality!"

Keiichi pointed an extremely shaking finger at her, cleared his throat, and finally managed to yell, "Naked! Wh-why are you… n-n-naked?!"

"Huh?" she looked down at herself. She was wearing absolutely nothing but the rich, golden earrings on her, duh, ears. Other than that, her completely exposed divine body was fully shown to him, including the pink nipples over the creamy white skin of her perfectly shaped, not too big, not too small, round breasts, and the small patch of silvery pubic hair over her pinkish vagina. "Is anything of the matter with it?" she innocently asked.

"Woman! Naked! In! Male Dormitory! Doesn't compute!" Keiichi screamed vehemently, eyes out of their orbits by now.

"Oh, I'm not just any woman," she almost laughed, waving a hand to ease him, which failed miserably. "I told you, I'm a Goddess, and from where I come, there is no need for such primitive, base and lowly things as the ones you call clothes. Now listen carefully, please. The System I work for found you worthy of having a wish granted. Any wish your heart may desire, but a single one, no refunds or devolutions accepted, so be careful with what you pick. If you want, I can suggest you to—"

"NO, NO, WAIT!" he pleaded, sweating bullets, while trying to hide the erection growing and growing on his pants due to such a dreamy sight. "What kinda joke is this?! You're another of the girls Tamiya's mom sends to 'set him straight', right?"

"No, no, no," she replied, never losing her patience. "I told you, I came for you and only for you, Keiichi-san. This is no joke, no dream, no hoax, no imaginary story. Our program guarantees you one hundred percent of satisfaction, one hundred percent free. There's no need to give us your soul, material belongings, family members or pets in exchange for it, although we wouldn't reject them either if you are graceful enough as to offer them. If you want to become a millionaire, we can do that. If you want to murder millions of people, we can do it as well, although we usually make no deals with that sort of clients… we learned our lesson after that Hitler affair…"

"No… joke?" Keiichi babbled like a complete imbecile. "For really real? ANY wish I may have?"

"Yes, anything," she smiled again, wonderfully splendid. "As long as it doesn't involve getting the job of our Boss Himself for you, naturally. In that case, we'll just, as you Earthlings are often fond to say, kick your ass."

"Uhhh… You don't need to worry about that," he said. "As a matter of fact, I'm not too ambitious," he sighed, and rolled his eyes back, drooling a bit. "To be honest, all I wish is I could have a really kind and hot girl with no hang-ups whatsoever like you living with me forever…"

Then he paused, noticing that, as a matter of fact, he had just made his wish. And with that, Belldandy started to levitate wrapped in a blinding white light, creating a huge tornado and a loud boom around herself. It blew up a gigantic hole in the residence's old rooftop, and left it all in an utterly messed up state. That is, slightly better than it had been before.

When it all passed and Keiichi regained his eyesight, he found himself in the floor, with a large fat bump on his head, and the still naked goddess smiling standing over him. "It is done!" she cheerfully announced. Your wish has been accepted by our Network! From now on, I'll be your kind and hot devoted lover with absolutely no hang-ups forever!"

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa-?!" Keiichi turned to stone for a moment. "It ca-can't be! This kinda things only happens in bad hentai and lemon fics! Uh, not that I've ever read any of those, of course, but…"

He stopped when he noticed Belldandy avidly reading one of Tamiya's magazines, now ignoring him.

"My, oh my!" she chirped. "And you are a man of varied tastes too, I see, Keiichi-san. Not that I can blame you; these look so good… Why, this one's penis is almost as big as my master Celestine's…"

"T-THEY AREN'T MINE!" Morisato protested, blushing up to the points of his ears. "They are of a roommate of mine, I swear!"

"Oh, really?" she actually looked cutely disappointed, before carefully putting the magazine aside, after marking an especially interesting centerfold page, of course. "My, what a shame… I like open-minded people the best. But anyway, I'm sure we'll be very happy together, Keiichi-san!" she beamed another lovable smile at him.

"Y-Yes, well, about that…" he gulped, before she rushed to him with surprising speed and hugged him tightly against her fragrant, soft body, wrapping her arms around his upper body as she kissed him in the lips with amazing passion. Keiichi's erection pulsed, the blood pumping through it as his heart raced in his chest. "M-Miss Belldandy…" he tried to speak into her mouth, just to feel her tongue sneaking into, rubbing his own tongue, and he threw all cautions to the wind.

He put both hands on her naked asscheeks, feeling the warm, silky soft flesh of her ass, and pushed her further against himself. As he did so, she ripped the white T-shirt off his chest and threw it to the floor. Her hands massaged his scrawny chest, just as he became adventurous and tentatively put a finger inside her anus, making her to yelp.

"I-I'm sorry!" he backed away, scared by her exclamation. "I d-don't know whatever came to me! I regret doing it! Please, don't summon your divine powers to end with my miserable life! Mercy!"

"Huh?" she blinked, honestly clueless about his abrupt outburst. "What are you talking about, Keiichi-san?"

"Aren't you… angry with me about that?" he asked in a tiny, still scared squeak of a voice.

"Why, of course not, Keiichi-san," she replied. "I was just startled, that's all…" Then she suspected something, "Let me guess. Keiichi-san has never been with a woman before, has he?"

He blushed even more now, and fumbled nervously. "We-well, I… made a few experiments with one once, but she kicked me out when I tried that with her… Since then, no woman has ever given me a chance… since I'm so short, weak and poor…"

"Oh, poor, poor Keiichi-san," she softly cooed hugging him again, and kissing him in the forehead in an almost motherly way. "You have suffered so much… But don't worry, Belldandy is here for you now. Now simply relax and enjoy the ride…" she seductively invited.

He nodded quietly as she undid his pants and lowered them and his boxer shorts to the floor, then made him to kick them away. Then she knelt down in front of him and caressed his dick with long, fine playful fingers, making him to shiver, especially when she also fondled his balls and put the point of his penis into her warm mouth, giving it a few licks. He shuddered, then grabbed her head for support. "Ohhh… Belldandy…" he moaned.

She knew he wouldn't last long if he was indeed a virgin, so she decided to move it to the next step quick before he came. Belldandy rose up again, then pushed him down against the floor to lie on his back. She crawled over him, and gave his right ear a few loving licks. _"Now, Keiichi-san…"_ she whispered, _"don't panic, just let me to set the pace. Okay?"_

"Whatever you say!" he was fast to answer.

"Good," she approved, then grabbed his rock hard dick again and guided it to her vaginal opening. She calculated the right moment for it, then pushed the pulsing meat inside of her love canal, making him to gasp hard. He instinctively grabbed onto Belldandy's shapely hips for support, then attracted her towards himself, sinking more and more of his length inside her.

"Aaaaa… aaaaaaa…" she moaned, throwing her head back a bit.

"Feels… so goooooood…" he also moaned, as she started to pump her hips up and down, setting the pace for their lovemaking as she had promised. They both kissed wildly as they fucked for the next few minutes, their hands roaming all over each other's bodies. Belldandy was surprised; this young human was a novice, yet he had the passion and spirit needed to make her to take notice. Satisfied, she started to work towards her climax, fingering her solid clit while he fucked her, screaming her name for the neighbors to hear.

Soon, Belldandy came, drenching his cock with her pussy juice, and one minute after that he pumped hard, grunting, one final time before unloading his sperm inside of her canal. First one thick rope of his seed, then another one, and another, and another, causing her to shudder.

When it all was over, she sighed deeply and relaxed down lying on his chest, giving him a small peck on one cheek. "Not bad for a first time," she cooed.

"B-but…" he hesitated, wrapping his arms around her, "Wh-what if you get pregnant because of that?"

"I hope it's a baby girl then…" she simply sighed as she closed her eyes, cradling her head on his neck. "I have no younger brothers, so I don't know how to handle little boys…"

"Uhhh…" Keiichi sweatdropped, right before the front door flew open and a gigantic mass of tanned muscle entered in, followed by a blonde punk in leathers and several other young men with messy, loser looks.

"YO, MORISATO!" The leading man bellowed, stepping inside. "Didja take our calls an' cleaned da toilet like we—". Then he froze in abject horror.

From the floor, the naked Belldandy, lying on the naked, blushing Keiichi, smiled weakly at them.

"MORISATOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tamiya howled at the top of his lungs, crying sudden streams of tears. "HOW COULDJA DO DIS TO US! YA KNOW DA RULES, TREACHEROUS WORM! NO… WIMMEN IN DIS SACRED HOUSE O' VIRILITY!"

"B-But I can explain it, Sempai!" Keiichi yelped. "This is only a… uh… transsexual… he used to be Mr. Luigi from the pizza parlor! He's not a real woman! Honest!"

"SHADDAP, BETRAYER!" Tamiya then swung a huge fist into his face, and the whole world became black…

"Ow. Ow, ow, o wow," Keiichi complained as he rolled down the front stairs, still as naked as a jaybird, until he finally stopped when he hit the sidewalk. The sempais then threw some luggage on him, and then they added Belldandy to the pile on top of him. Keiichi weakly squirmed under the weight as they closed the door behind them, and Tamiya screamed from the window,

"WHEN YOU HAVE A NEW ADDRESS, SEND US YUR DIRECTION AND WE'LL SEND DA REST O'YUR CRAP TO YA! MEANWHILE, DROP DEAD, MORISATO!" And he closed the window as well to collapse crying on Ootaki the punk's comforting arms, sobbing loudly, "How could he do dis to me! He knew I loved 'im! He mustave known!"

* * *

"Oh my…" Belldandy blinked, then fished a gay magazine out of the luggage. "At least I got to save this one…"

"Now without a roof over our heads…" Keiichi sobbed, putting on some pants and shirt quickly before the cops came and arrested him. "What will we do now, without a single yen to my name…?"

"Oh, there's no need to be afraid about that, Keiichi-san," Belldandy pointed out cheerfully. "I know of a place where we can stay for the night and even a few days more, totally free!"

"Seriously?" the human looked hopeful.

"Ah-hah!" Bell nodded, flipping through the magazine's pages, still not making any effort to cover herself. "There's nothing to be worried about! _Shimpai Muyo!_"

"Belldandy, you're wonderful!" he grinned, then added hopefully, "And then, we can fuck again?"

"We can do it right here and now if you want…" she looked up at him again, somehow managing to look and sound casually innocent about it.

He sweatdropped once more. "I'd prefer to do it away from the public stares…"

* * *

Half an hour later, his motorcycle stopped in front of an old temple at the top of a hill in a nearby green valley, overlooking a huge lake of clear waters. Belldandy had insisted on staying nude, since she apparently hated clothing; Keiichi had tried to convince her otherwise, but the first surprisingly hostile glare he got from her when he pushed in on the matter convinced him to desist. Finally, she agreed to at least cover herself with and old blanket as she traveled in his bike's sidecar.

With that big blanket still covering her, she stepped down and signaled towards the temple, smiling so sweetly once again. "Here it is. Let's go in, Keiichi-san!"

"Um, are you sure about this, Belldandy?" he asked. "I mean, looks like it's still inhabited, and—"

He had to run after her then, since she had started to walk up the long stairs to the temple without him. "Hey, wait! I'm coming, I'm coming!"

She stopped in front of the front door and gently knocked on it. Moments after that, a tall old man dressed as a traditional Shinto priest, with long white-gray hair and glasses, opened the door and looked at both of them.

"Yes?" he asked. "Good evening, miss, young man. What do you want here so late in the night?"

"Good evening to you too, Masaki Katsuhito-sama," Belldandy smiled, politely bowing in front of him. "I am Belldandy, and this is my fiancée, Morisato Keiichi-san. We have just lost our home, and we came to beg you for a place in your temple, please."

"What?" the old man arched his eyebrows in disbelief. "Uh, of course, it is a priest's sacred duty to help others, but shouldn't you—"

"Please, Masaki-sama…" she cooed in the same pleading tone that Keiichi already knew well, and much to both men's surprises, she allowed the blanket to fall down gracefully, slipping down the stairs and into the forest carried away by the breeze, standing now totally naked again in front of the priest, exciting him to no end. "Please… we will pay your kindness the best way we can…"

Masaki Katsuhito blinked once, then twice, and slowly nodded. Then he grabbed Belldandy by a hand and pulled her inside, closing the door tightly right after the confused Keiichi followed inside, still not giving credit to his ears and eyes.

Belldandy grabbed Katsuhito's face between her soft hands and pulled it to her own, kissing him with wild abandon on his mouth, with Keiichi watching on in stupor.

That was… just baffling to him. Hadn't she promised she'd be his? HIS? Then why was she now shamelessly flirting with that old man, offering herself to him? It was outrageous. It was unacceptable! It was… strangely exciting!

He watched on, amazed, getting hard once more, how Belldandy, slowly, teasingly, stripped the priest down, and then massaged his still long and hard old cock guiding it to her pink opening. Meanwhile, she looked back at the young man and winked an eye at him, inviting him again. Nodding, the too-stimulated to care Morisato stripped down and stood behind her, pushing his cock in a test against her anus, as the old man began to fuck her standing, kissing all of her lovely face time and time again, licking her cheeks, while his big hands traveled all across her back, caressing her long cascade of hair.

"Nnnghh!" Keiichi finally pushed himself inside of her tight rectum, astonished about how well did it feel. Bell just yelped at first (lack of anal lubrication was always a real bitch), but she pretty soon got over it and began a rhythm with Katsuhito fucking him in the pussy and Keiichi in her ass.

"Oh yes…" she panted, moving her hips back and forth between both of them. "More… more… much more…"

Finally, the old man unloaded inside of her, and Keiichi followed suit moments after that. Belldandy moaned in delight, feeling herself pressed between both hot male bodies…

* * *

The morning after, Keiichi woke up to find himself in a futon, laying next to Belldandy, who slept embraced to him as a just as naked as them Katsuhito stayed awake laying at her other side. She looked so sweet, so innocent, sleeping confidently there, despite all what they had done with her last night…

Keiichi was brought back from his confused thoughts when the old man cleared his throat standing up, walking to pick up a bamboo broom and throwing it at Keiichi's hands. He picked it up, blinking.

"Wha-?" he began to say, still dazed, sitting up and making Bell to groan, still half sleep herself.

"Well, you two can stay here for as long as you want, young man," the Masaki man spoke, "You have convinced me of the… ahem… sincerity of your intentions. But even so, this place won't clean itself, you know. While you are staying here, I am hoping for you to help with the tasks at hand…"

"Isn't it wonderful, Keiichi-san…?" Belldandy sat up, yawning with natural, never overdone sensuality. "I told you we had nothing to worry about… That I would take care of everything…"

"Yes… of everything…" he nodded, gulping down. Now what had he stepped into?

"Well, I'm going to make breakfast now" Belldandy announced while standing up. "After taking a bath, of course. Ne, Keiichi-san, Katsuhito-sama, do you want to bathe with me…?"

And so, a new stage in Morisato Keiichi's life and the history of bad lemons started! And like Tiny Tim, I mean, Vash the Stampede would say, "LOVE AND PEACE TO ALL GOOD PEOPLE ON EARTH!"

* * *

**To be Continued**.


	2. Neon Genesis Evangelion

The following work of fiction is not recommended or suggested for anyone under eighteen or with a delicate constitution.

_Mahou Sensei Negima!, Love Hina, Earth Defense Force Mao-Chan, A.I. Love You, My Santa_ and _UQ Holder_ were created by Akamatsu Ken_._

_Paradise Residence, Oh my Goddess!_ and _You're Under Arrest!_ and all their characters were created by and are the property of Fujishima Kosuke.

Sunrise created and owns _Mai-Hime_ and _Mai-Otome._

_Danganronpa_ is the property of Spike Chunsoft.

Masaki Tsuzuki created, and Seven Arcs owns, _Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha._

_Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu_ was created by Tanigawa Nagaru and Noizi Ito.

_Boku wa Tomodachi ga Sukunai_ was created by Hirasaka Yomi and Buriki.

_To-LOVE-Ru_ and _Black Cat_ were created by Hasemi Saki and Yabuki Kentaro.

_School Days_ and associated properties were created by 0verflow.

Other series parodied here were created by other authors.

No similarities between anyone or anything portrayed here and anything or anyone from real life was ever intended.

Absolutely no one is making any money at all out of this work of fiction.

* * *

**Crisis Management.**

With credits (again) to inspirators, co-writers and occasional proofreaders Shadow Crystal Mage and Darkenning.

* * *

**Neon Genesis Evangelion**.

* * *

It was another beautiful, peaceful morning at the Masaki Shrine in the green hills outside Academy City. The birds chirped on the branches of the big, old majestic trees surrounding the temple, and the sun was proud and bright high in the sky.

Also, an unearthly beautiful young woman, entirely naked save for a flimsy pink apron that her boyfriend had had a long terrible bad time convincing her to put on at least, happily sang to herself with her gorgeous Inoue Kikuko-like voice, while hanging Masaki Katsuhito's and Morisato Keiichi's just washed clothings to dry.

Suddenly, though, she jerked and tensed. That strange reaction to apparently nothing at all surprised Keiichi, who had been sitting on the porch fixing a motor. The student of Mechanics looked at her, curiously, and again, a bit still excited by her nudity (you never got really used to having a supermodel looking goddess walking naked all day around you, which had introduced Keiichi to a state of semi-permanent hard on between fuckings when he wasn't at the college). "Hey, Belldandy," he called out, slightly worried. "You okay there?"

"K-Keiichi-san…" she shuddered a bit against her own will. "There is… a problem, I believe…" She turned around to look at him. "They have sent… someone. An Angel. I think it is Sachiel…"

"The what of what now?" Keiichi arched his thick black eyebrows, puzzled.

* * *

_Tokyo Bay._

A huge shadow passed through the waters, swimming several feet under the quiet surface and sending ripples up through it. And for once, it wasn't Godzilla. Sorry, Godzilla fans.

However, once burned, or rather forty hundred times burned, by now, the Area Eleven Defense Forces (mere euphemism for 'Japanese Army' after the War, but hey, you knew that already, you otaku), were more than Godzilla-trigger-happy by now, so as soon as Giant Ass Huge Thingamabob had shown up in the radars approaching the coastline, the signals of alarm had been sent all through the city, and the evacuation had started sooner than you can say 'Last one to get to the refuge is stomped worse than the American 'Zilla remake. Either of them'. Several artillery units, tanks and battalions had been deployed around the beaches in another effort to uselessly sacrifice soldiers' lives to a monster they didn't have any business fighting, but eh, life's tough like that.

_(Cue dramatic music from the first Evangelion episode here)._

Elsewhere, a thin and average young man with short black hair, wearing a white shirt and black pants and shoes, carrying a small Pikachu backpack, walked to a public phone, the last one in the city after all the Kaiju attacks, Yakuza drunk destructive sprees, and everyone and their dog in Japan having a cellphone by now. He tried to make a few calls, but finally had to give up and hang it.

"Ah, I don't get it," he mused. "I wonder how everyone just ran away yelling when the train that brought us here stopped." After that convenient bit of expository monologue, he sniffed himself under an armpit. "I mean, I remembered the deodorant this time…"

Then, he sat down on a sidewalk, watched the desolate, lonely streets around him and moaned. "This isn't my day. Again. Don't tell me the busty woman won't come for me after all…"

He pulled out a small photo, showing an extremely shapely young lady with long black hair (I'm taking a cue from Manga Misato here, so don't expect for Purple Hair Misato here. Anyone wanna make somethin' of it? Huh? Huh? 'Thought so. Now, we return you to your normally scheduled lemon), and leaning towards the camera, winking an eye, showing off her big, succulent cleavage, wearing nothing but a yellow top and blue jean shorts.

_'To Shinji: Wait for me at 10:00 AM on the Anno Hideaki bus stop near the train station. Kisses, Misato. And notice the cleavage! Notice it! NOTICE IT!'_

"Man, she really wanted my attention, didn't she?" he asked himself. "She must have known otherwise I wouldn't come here to meet Dad again… What is she of my father, anyway?" the fourteen-year old boy wondered. "His lover? That shameless womanizer… It has been only nine years, seven months and twenty six days since Mom died! Her tomb's still warm!"

Then the Earth trembled and shook below his feet, almost sending him down. "Ah. Earthquake again. I love Japan," he deadpanned, before hearing the whistling of planes through the air, and the giant steps in the distance.

Shinji looked around, and saw a lumbering, gigantic humanoid monster of black skin and long limbs, with a tiny white head, coming from the beach, stomping all over an army and ignoring the planes throwing bullets, missiles and kitchen sinks on it.

"Oh wow!" the boy gasped. "KAIJU! KUSO! KOWAII! ¿Y AHORA, QUIÉN PODRA DEFENDERME?"

As if answering to his rampant abuse of multilingual confusion typical of most anime fanfics, he then saw a bright blue Renault Alpine A310 (thank you, Wikipedia!) speeding madly towards him, and screeching to a mad, sudden halt in front of him, and one of its doors opened, and out peeked the head of the gorgeous woman from the picture, smiling at the boy.

"Hey, hello, Shinji!" she chirped out cheerfully. "Come on, jump in! We gotta run for it before Big Boy arrives here!"

"Katsuragi-san...?" Shinji craned his neck forwards. "Is that you?" He asked mainly because she was wearing a red jacket and skirt with a black shirt buttoned to the neck, and no cleavage shown. He mainly was familiar with her cleavage, since he really hadn't looked at the rest of the picture that well.

"No, I'm freakin' Moldiver, Defender of Anime Series without Fanfiction Devoted to Them!" Misato barked. "Of course I am Katsuragi Misato, boy! Now jump in and stop wasting time!"

Convinced, and since he wasn't Emo enough to wish to die right yet, Shinji quickly and jumped into the seat next to the driver, closing the door behind him. "What's going on here?!" he asked. "Is this the end of the world?!"

"Well, maybe," she admitted, shrugging. "Get ready," she said.

"Uh, for what?" Shinji blinked, then saw the small memo pinned on next to the car's steering wheel. _'From Yukari-chan to Misato-chan, please drive more carefully, you scare even me!'_ He sweatdropped. "Oh, I get it…"

"TURBINES TO SPEED!" Misato yelled with a sudden maniacal high pitch, and sank a foot on the accelerator… "MISATOMOBILE, GO, GO, GO!"

* * *

When Shinji finally regained some sense of consciousness and some semblance of himself after the horrible experiences of a Lovecraftian rollercoaster of driving horror, he found Misato had stationed in front of some underground setting full of highly technology.

"Grandma…" he sobbed, shaking violently and crying rivers of cartoon tears, "Tell her to stop… She hurts us, Grandma…"

"Oh, for the love of-!" Misato slapped him back to sanity. "Snap out of it, Shinji! We were being chased, we had to go fast!"

Straightening out with a final, loud sob, the teenager forced himself to nod. Misato walked out of the car full of bumps and marks, including some dead chickens splattered over its front, and signaled for him to follow her inside. "So? Come on, Shin-chan. Your Dad waits for you."

"Well, I waited for him for nine years, seven months and twenty five days, so I guess he can wait for a little longer," Shinji grumbled as he followed her.

"Oh wow, you have a spine after all!" she marveled while using a pass-card to open the door in front of them. "So, the reports were wrong after all!"

"What do you mean with that?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing! Nothing!" it was her turn to sweatdrop now. "Forget I said anything, please! Now, don't worry, I'll get you to your Daddy in five minutes flat, tops…"

* * *

_Two hours later, this happened:_

"I told you, we're walking in circles!" Shinji whined again as he continued following her through a maze of cold and lonely halls.

"We're not!" Misato shouted back. "We're about to arrive there, we're at only three doors away from him!"

"You said the same a friggin' hour before!" the teenager despaired, pulling his hair out. "And look, we passed next to that very same 'In case of Fire break the Glass' sign ten minutes ago!".

"That's another one!" she differed. Misato huffed, and took another look at the map of the NERV headquarters she held in her hands. _Damn, I knew we shouldn't have trusted that Hibiki Ryouga guy with making these_, she bitterly thought.

Right then, another door opened behind them, making it to stop, and they spun around to see another very shapely woman, with short blond hair, wearing nothing except a skintight blue one piece swimsuit with lots of cleavage, and an open white lab coat open over it, stepping out of a room to face them.

"Captain Katsuragi!" the blonde said in a very stern voice. "You are two hours late now! The Angel has destroyed half of the city, and the N2 Bomb the UN used to try to stop it wiped the other half off! What do you have to say in your defense?"

"It was his fault!" Misato promptly pointed at Shinji. "He kept on distracting me and making lecherous proposals!"

"WHAAAAA-?!" Shinji screamed. "ME?!"

"Ugh. Excuse Captain Katsuragi, please," the blonde sighed. "She's just that irresponsible. And slutty. You're the Third Child, aren't you?"

"Third Child of whom?" he asked.

"Bah, forget it," the blonde said. "Your father will explain it all. I am Doctor Akagi Ritsuko, Director of Scientific Development here at NERV."

"Pleased to meet you, Doctor," Shinji bowed politely. "But, um, excuse me, but what is a lead scientist doing walking around a secret base in a swimsuit, may I ask?"

"I am forced to provide as much fanservice as I can. This is an ecchi story, after all."

"Oh."

"Now come with me, I'll escort you to meet your father, Shinji."

"How do you know my name, Ma'am?" he respectfully asked, with Misato grumbling going after them.

"Like I said, your father will explain it all," she dodged the matter. He threw a lollipop at him. "Here, suck on this one along the way and don't make questions."

"Ooooooo! Lollipop!"

* * *

Half an hour and five lollipops later, they arrived to a gigantic chamber where a huge purple mecha was held inside of a pool full with a strange red liquid. "Well, here we are," Ritsuko sighed. "You were right, Captain, those maps are bitches…"

"What's that giant thing submerged in all the blood?" Shinji cringed. "Is it a weapon designed to battle creatures like the one who is destroying the city right now?".

"Bingo," Ritsuko nodded.

"Does it have an unbelievable power that can cut like butter through all enemies of mankind, bringing peace and safety again?"

"You are right once again," Ritsuko confirmed.

"Then, why, I don't know… WHY ISN'T IT OUT THERE BATTLING THAT DAMN THING?!" He yelled, then regained his usual meeky tone. "Sorry. Been under a lot of stress lately."

"Don't worry. I know," Dr. Akagi shrugged. "Anyway, this is Evangelion Unit 01 ™, The Ultimate Weapon for the Defense of Humanity against Angels, Last Hope for Our Survival (all legal rights reserved, GAINAX, 1995-2015). She's an artificial humanoid designed to battle the Angels… creatures hellbent on attacking Earth and destroy our species at all costs…" She made a pause, walked to a nearby water supplier, and poured herself a glass, after which she continued, "However, it needs a pilot to function, or else all its might is worth for nothing!"

"And there is where you come in, Shinji," a cold, imposing voice called from above, and the boy looked up to see his forty eight-year old father, in a black suit, wearing dark tinted glasses and white gloves, standing on an upper catwalk overviewing them, closely followed by his loyal right hand man Waylon Smithers… I mean, Dr. Fuyutsuki Kozo, an old and gray frail man who held his arms crossed behind his back.

"Father!" Shinji gasped. "You… you… you look dumber with that goatee now, did you know?"

"Really?" Ikari Gendo paused to caress his black goatee with a hand, thoughtfully. "But women like it… Anyway, Shinji, what matters now is, you must help us. We need you to pilot the EVA 01 NERV has built, and destroy the Angel that is menacing all of our lives."

"WHAT?!" his son screamed. "You must be joking!"

"You know I never was one for joking," Gendo darkly replied. "Do you think I would ask this to you if I had any other choice? There are no alternatives, Shinji. All of our lives depend on you now."

The teenager blinked, then slowly asked, "Father… can I ask you three questions?"

"Sure thing. Go ahead."

"Okay. One, what have you been smoking? Two, where can I get some? And Three, who does she think she fools to think she's a blonde with those huge thick black eyebrows of hers?" he pointed at Ritsuko, then apologized to her, "Sorry again, Ma'am, but I had to get that out of my system."

"No worries. I get that one all the time," Ritsuko coolly replied, lighting a cigarette.

"So, you are reluctant to cooperate…" Gendo pondered.

"You could say so…" Shinji replied. "Maybe another day, when you haven't spent the last nine years, seven months and twenty five days away from me."

"I see. You are as grudge-bearing as you were when I left you. It is still about that choo-choo train I didn't buy for you, right? Very well." He turned to his second-at-command. "Fuyutsuki, this pilot is a dud. Bring on Rei."

"What?" the old man gasped. "But, Commander Ikari...!"

"It's an order, Fuyutsuki!" Gendo insisted. "If she is alive, then she can pilot it!"

Fuyutsuki gulped down, and minutes after, three redheaded Nurse Joys came bringing a stretcher with a severely wounded, bandaged young, also extremely shapely, quite busty for her age, fourteen years old girl with short blue hair, wearing some sort of skintight white battle outfit. "Ah… ahh…" the girl moaned in pain.

Gendo rushed to her side. "Rei, the emergency pilot is a pathetic, girly, sad and hopeless failure…"

"Hey, I'm still here," an offended Shinji muttered.

"… Would you pilot Unit 01 for us and for Everlasting World Peace?" Gendo continued asking her, completely oblivious to his son. "Will you do that for us, Rei?"

"Ahh- ah hah…" the girl nodded with a lot of effort, and tried to stand up, only to slip down and fall down to the floor with a loud thud. "… Ouch…"

Shinji groaned, and looked back at Misato and Ritsuko's pleading faces, which looked at him with huge Bambi eyes. "Ohh, okay, okay, I'll do it!" he finally spat. "Stop the theater to make me feel guilty, okay?"

"YEAH!" Misato clapped happily. "YAY, SHINJI…!"

"We'll never forget your brave sacrifice, Third Child…" Ritsuko sniffed some tears back.

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence…"

"Then, go there and make him sorry, son," Gendo patted him on a shoulder. "We're all counting on you here!"

"Little… help here, please…" Rei weakly pleaded from the floor.

* * *

As Shinji sat on the control cabin of the EVA, which was quickly filled with the red liquid to sustain him inside, freaking him out at first, he asked through the intercom, "Hey, why can't any other of you pilot this, anyway?"

"Only teenagers can pilot Evangelions, Shinji," Ritsuko replied through the communication window. "That's an unwritten rule of anime, only people under seventeen can pilot any sort of giant robot or similar. Now, the EVA will react according to your actions. If you want it to walk, just move your legs. If you want it to throw a punch, just move a fist. It's so easy, even Rei mastered it in only one day."

"Then why is she so hurt?" he asked, distrustful.

"She slipped in the bath," Akagi lied. "Now, ready for launch! GAMBARE!" she yelled as the purple titan was shout outside to the mean streets of Academy City.

_Well, at least it isn't half as bad as Misato-san's driving_, Shinji thought as he clumsily guided the Evangelion in his first baby steps, stepping on a few cars and yapping dogs. It was a bit like driving a bicycle. If he only managed to get a full gist on it before meeting the so-called Angel, then he could—

Moments after that, he cursed his hopeful thinking as the Angel appeared out of nowhere and jumped on him, ready to rip him and the EVA apart with its huge claw-like hands.

"Weeeelllllll…." In the depths of the Geofront, crossing his gloved hands in front of his face, Gendo somberly pondered, "If he can't do it, you will go in the EVA 00 to finish the job off, Rei."

An unintelligible low moan from the pilot was all of her reply, lying on the stretcher with the Nurse Joys taking her pulse, while Ritsuko and Misato shared worried looks.

Finally, Misato spoke. "So… no lemon in this part, after all, huh?"

" 'Fraid so," the scientist replied. "However, at least I got to give some fanservice. How's that? I'll get the biggest paycheck out of this ep!"

"You bitch," Misato grumbled. "But just wait for the next segment! Take it from here, preview advance…"

* * *

**NEXT SEGMENT:**

Misato's voice: Next, in 'Crisis Management', the big battle is over! And Shinji is left without a place to stay, so I kindly offer him my hospitality!

Shinji's voice: But you only want someone to clean your mess for you!

Misato's voice: Ah, but you won't go unrewarded for it! All big heroes get their fair payment, and you'll get yours from me, Shin-chan! In the next episode, 'The Breast', the lemon returns with a major vengeance!

Ritsuko's voice: And good thing, too, since without it, this chapter was painful to read…

Shinji's voice: Ano… wasn't the title supposed to be 'The Beast'?

Belldandy's voice: Oh, my. We didn't get to do much this time, did we?

Keiichi's voice: I guess not…

Misato's voice, happily: And now, I *am* Fanservice!

* * *

Suddenly, the whole world was black. Not in a WB Network-sitcom kind of black world, mind you, but it all had turned dark and shadowy all around him. The EVA had vanished, the city had vanished, Ritsuko and Misato's voices over the intercom had ceased to be, and Ikari Shinji was floating in a black void, all alone.

And totally naked.

He felt cold. What had happened, anyway? The last thing he remembered was being pummeled by that giant thing they called an Angel, although Cupid, it wasn't, definitely. Now, all of his body ached, yet he had no marks or wounds on him, and he was there, suspended in the middle of nothing and nowhere.

"Oh, I know," he finally told himself. "I died. Should have known I couldn't cut it; even five years old girls kick my ass whenever they want to." He raised a fist and shouted loudly, "I hope you're satisfied, Father! I'll see you in HFIL!"

"Tch, tch," a male voice sounded behind him. Alarmed, Shinji turned around to see a tall man with a huge afro, smoking a cigarette, wearing 70's style clothing, and looking at him disapprovingly. "Hello, boy. I'm Nabeshin."

"W-Who are you? What are you doing here?" Shinji sweated cold. "Are you going to guide me to the light?"

"BAKA!" Nabeshin brought a fist down on the boy's head. "YOU CAN'T DIE YET! We're only at Episode 2! I'm here only to send you in the right track back to home!"

"Uh, actually…" Shinji muttered rubbing his pained head with a hand, "There is really no place I can call home. No one loves me, and I'm nothing but a load to everyone. I wouldn't be too sad if I died, for real."

"Nonsense," the strange man huffed. "Tons of people are counting on you. Including our Marketing Department. Anyway, if you want to see a good reason why you must be a man and continue fighting on, just go through that door." He pointed to a door that magically appeared out of nowhere near them. "Trust me, you'll thank me later, Champ."

"Umm, okay…" Shinji warily floated to the door, opened it, and peeked in, before Nabeshin just pushed him inside and slammed the door behind him. He fell on his face on what seemed to be a huge white room, with no furniture other than a huge, plush bed on which was seated a young woman he… recognized.

Shinji blinked in absolute shock, his throat dry, his eyes wide. "M-M-Mom…?" he gasped. "Is that… really you?"

Ikari Yui slowly opened her sweet, clear eyes and smiled for her son. "Welcome, Shinji," she peacefully said. "I am so happy to see you again. Care to come and sit next to me?" she invited, patting on the part of the bed at her right.

"B-B-But, Mom!" Shinji squealed, covering his private parts with his hands, blushing to the ears. "W-We are both… naked!"

Indeed; his mother was as naked as the day she was born as well. Her creamy pale skin was fully exposed to his sight, as were her breasts, slightly hanging down thanks to gravity. Her legs were crossed hiding her femalehood for now, but still, she was making not any other effort to hide herself.

She giggled cutely. "Oh, my dear Shinji! You have matured a lot in all this time, haven't you? You have started to notice girls…"

"M-Mom!" he protested, trying to look away. "Don't say that! You're embarrassing me!"

"Now, now, come on, Shinji," she stood up, now showing her bare, hairless, perfectly shaped cunt at him, making him to sweat bullets as she walked towards him swinging her hips in a slow, sensual walk. "You don't need to be ashamed with me, Darling. We are mother and son, we once were one and the same. We have the same blood running through us, and you once were inside of me…" She purred as she crouched down in front of the boy sitting on the floor, and pushed his hands aside, to caress his cock with her feathery soft hands. _"I only want you to remember that… to be one with me, and inside of me, again…"_ she whispered hotly on his ear, sending shivers all through him.

"B-But Mom…" he weakly protested, "This is all so wrong… so… sinful… what will Dad… Dad…" Then he gasped, while she leaned down to lick the head of his penis, which stood up as a post against his own will. She licked it in a kittenish way, playfully, while her fingers played teasingly with his testicles. "M-Mom, no!" he tried to protested. "This is sick, this is bad, this is… ahh…Ahhh…"

She raised her head to kiss him fully in his lips, while her hands traveled to his back, rubbing and massaging it, and he completely lost it. He gave the kiss back, clumsily devouring her pink lips, his trembling hands going down to her ass and squeezing the full, soft flesh of her buttcheeks.

Finally, he was happy again. He felt alive again.

Forgetting the pain from his fight, he allowed her to drag him to the bed. She lay down on her back and opened her slender legs widely; he looked at her with questioning worry, and she nodded eagerly to ease him. He crawled over her and licked one of her breasts, feeling the delightful taste of her slightly sweaty skin, and then weakly suckled on a brownish erect nipple like a newborn.

"Ahh, my Shinji…" Yui purred in pleasure. "My baby… Come with Mommy… Cum in Mommy…"

She gripped his penis again and guided it to her vagina's pink opening. He gasped as he felt it rubbing against her entrance. "W-Wait, Mom… maybe we should rethink this…" he babbled, but then he felt her hands pressing against his skinny buttocks, pushing him inside of her, all the way in.

Shinji rolled his eyes back as he repressed a scream, marveled by the warmth and tightness of her orifice around his length. He panted, and pulled back a bit, only to push himself inside once more seconds after. He had watched some porn movies and had a general idea of what to do. He grabbed her naked hips to keep her in place as he hammered into her.

"Ohh, ah, ah, Mom…" he moaned.

"Ohhh, ah, hah, ah, yes, Shinji…" she moaned as well, bringing her head back a bit, rubbing her short brown hair against the sheets, grabbing her hands onto them for support while she wrapped her legs around the son fucking her. "You're doing it well, but go a bit slower now… Slower… Yes, that's it…" she hissed in satisfaction, then pushed her hips up to meet his. "Now faster… Faster… faster… Yes, that's it… that's it… I'm cumming! Ah, ah, ah, ah!" she screamed, each 'ah' punctuated by a new thrust of the boy.

"Mother! I love you!" Shinji squeaked as he felt his balls about to explode, quickening his fucking to an almost blinding speed.

"Shinji! I love you too, dear! I'll always be there for you!" she yelled, hugging him, pressing his naked body against her as she climaxed. "AH, YES! SHINJI!"

"MOM!" He yelled as well, and moments after he shot his white, sticky seed inside of her, several times, tears coming to his eyes as he did so. "Mo-mom…" he gave a last, spent moan.

"Mmmm…" after they were done, she smiled and kept him hugged against her. She kissed his forehead. "That was wonderful, Shinji. Now remember, while you have to go back now, I'll always be here, waiting for you. We will be reunited, someday. And in the meanwhile, I'll be watching for you, my boy."

* * *

He woke up with a start.

He was lying in a hospital bed now, wearing a thin hospital white robe, his upper head wrapped in bandages. A Nurse Joy was entering his room, and smiled warmly for him. "Ah, Ikari-san, you have awakened at last! Doctor Hazama was right; at this rate you'll be ready to leave us tomorrow."

"H-How…" Shinji groaned weakly, his half-open eyes focusing themselves, "How long was I… unconscious?"

"Three days," the Nurse replied.

"And… what happened to the… Angel?"

Joy took a few furtive looks around herself, then leaned down to Shinji's right ear and whispered on it. _"It's okay. Your machine went into some sort of automatic Berserk Mode after you fell unconscious, and defeated the monster by itself in a spectacular slugfest the author didn't bother to show. It is destroyed now. There's nothing to worry about, well, at least until the next one comes."__  
_  
"Huh…"

And then she noticed the large cum spot on his sheets around the height of his crotch, and frowned. "Pig…" she muttered.

Shinji blushed again.

* * *

Now, he was sitting on a chair of the hall outside his room, watching TV with a group of other patients. One of them was some martial artist, or at least he claimed so; he wore a pink hospital robe, had thin light brown hair tied into a ponytail, and said he was there because some Muay Thai murderous thug had pummeled him because of some revenge, or something like that. The other was a thin blonde with blue eyes and a ton of gay mannerisms, who apparently had been hurt in the Angel rampage. His name was… Hanagata, Shinji seemed to remember, not that it really mattered at all for him.

"Here I am, Reporter Rikdo Koshi, at what little is left of Academy City after what the authorities have officially labeled as a 'freak earthquake. With explosions'," a thin man with glasses was saying in the screen. "Although witnesses have said they saw a giant robot and a monster fighting during the events, the Academy Mayor and Colonel Mustang from the JSSDF claim those were 'only hallucinations created by mass hysteria. And paint fumes'."

"Man, who do they think they are fooling?" Shinji grumbled.

"Oh, I see!" Hibiki Dan shouted. "An earthquake!"

"See?" Hanagata smiled crossing his scrawny arms. "I told you! It was nothing but the wrath of nature!"

Shinji sweatdropped hearing the two goofs chatting. Obviously, they never would believe him if he told them the truth about what had happened… if that hadn't been just a mad dream of his, that was.

He brooded. His father had not even come to see him, or to ask how he was doing. Stupid, stupid rat bastard. If he ever went into that robot again, first thing he was going to do was to 'accidentally' step on a Gendo…

"Whoa!" a scream of Dan brought him back to reality. "Pretty lady comin' up!" The martial artist elbowed Shinji in the ribs while winking an eye at him. "Watch this, kid. The Master of Saikyo will put his charm to work! Observe and learn!"

Shinji watched, shocked, how Katsuragi Misato arrived to the place, to be greeted by Dan, who jumped into her way and struck a pose. "Why, hello, Gorgeous!" he shouted. "Came to visit Mommy? Daddy? A sick little nephew? Let Hibiki Dan, Super Fighter Extraordinary Supreme, to help you to heal your hurt heart! They say I am a—"

Not really in the mood for dealing with him, Misato just slapped him aside so hard she slammed him into a wall. Then she walked to Shinji, and a scared Hanagata just moved aside to let her to pass.

"Hello, Shin-chan!" she smiled happily at him. "Excellent work back there! The Boss is very satisfied with your job!"

"The Boss?" Shinji frowned. "Do you mean my… father? Then why isn't he here to tell me that himself?"

"Well, you see, he had… things to do…" she replied.

"Which things could be more important than his son?"

Misato struggled to find a suitable answer, failed, and shrugged. "Do you want a honest answer, or a kind one?"

"Forget it," Shinji sighed.

"But hey!" she added. "There are good news, too! I've been assigned as your tutor, so you'll be living with me in my very small, very intimate, very romantic department!"

"… Great" Shinji groaned.

"Hum, Shin-kun?" Hanagata asked him. "You feeling okay? I am as gay as they come, and even I envied you for a split second…"

"Oh, shut up, Hanako," the boy mumbled.

* * *

_The Middle of Academy City:__  
_  
"Alas, poor, poor Sachiel…" Belldandy sighed putting a white rose on the site of the explosion, wearing only a trenchcoat over her nudity, which explained why the security forces had allowed her and Keiichi to get in after she asked reaaaaaaaaaaally nice (and gave a few blowjobs). "You always were such a bad loser, my poor friend Sachiel… Why did you have to self-destruct after you were beaten?"

"Belldandy, why was that, erm… Sachiel here?" Keiichi asked, uncomfortably standing behind her. "He came for you, didn't he?"

"I don't know why would he do that," she replied. "There must have been some sort of misunderstanding. Surely, Heaven wouldn't send a messenger to look for me after I stayed because of a wish made to the Ultimate Force."

"Why don't you give your bosses a call and ask about it?" he suggested.

"Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Keiichi-san!" She beamed a smile. "You are very smart!"

"Well, shucks, thanks." He blushed due to the compliment, and looked at his wristwatch. "Anyway, why don't we go back home now? Our cameo for this episode is over already."

"As you wish, Keiichi-san!"

* * *

_Sadamoto Yoshiyuki Residential Tower:_

"Okay, Shin-chan, here we are!" Misato said as she opened the front door and walked in, shaking her shoes off. "Home, sweet home!"

Ikari looked around while following her inside, finding nothing but a mess of beer cans, ladies' magazines, handguns, beer cans, fish sticks, dirty plates, beer cans, assorted junk, CDs, panties, bras, beer cans and beer cans in the living room. "How can you live in this place?" he asked, wrinkling his nose.

"Very happily!" she smiled, and skipped her way to the kitchen. "Hey, I ordered Chinese food for dinner. Let's have a welcome party for my new housemate, the world saving superhero, Ikari Shin-kun!" She opened the icebox, full of even more Ebisu beer cans, and took one of them out; she opened it and took a long drink of it. "AHHHHHH! Nothing like some fuel for the machine before the big party!"

Then, however, something hopped out of the icebox and ran waddling to Shinji. "What the hell?!" the teenager gasped. "A penguin?!"

"Ah, yeah, that's Pen-Pen," Misato burped, wolfing down her third beer by now. "He's fairly useless to the storyline, but plot dictates I must own a kinda cute pet for Marketing to make plushies of it."

"Ummm, I understand…" Shinji nodded and crouched down to pat the flightless fowl on the head, smiling at it. "Hello there, Pen-Pen. Nice to meet you… YOW!" He yelled when its sharp beak found its way into his hand. "HE PECKED ME! THE GODDAMN BASTARD PECKED ME!"

"Shinji, no baka…" Misato giggled, a bit drunk by now. "Who do you think you are, Danny DeVito? Now, let's have our… little… romantic… date… alone…" she purred pushing her generous chest in cleavaged pink top practically on his face, leaning forwards to him. "I promised fanservice in the preview, and this time I'm going to deliver…"

* * *

_A while later:_

Akagi Ritsuko sat on her chair at her office, still wearing nothing but her blue swimsuit and her open white lab coat, since this is an ecchi/fanservice fic. She was speaking through her Nokia, "So, how is it going, Misato? Do you really think you can handle raising a boy all by yourself?"

"Bah, it'll be a piece of cake…" Misato's voice slurred at the other end of the line. "Shin-chan will love me, I'm sure about that…" she chuckled a bit perversely. "Yeah, he will love me…"

"Are you so desperate you'd jump on a boy?" Ritsuko huffed.

"Yeah, I am," Misato stated flatly.

"I don't know why I bothered asking. But in any case… uhhhhh…" she lowered her voice to a confidential whisper, "if he does it well, can we share him? Gendo's getting sloppy lately…"

"Sure, sure, whatever," Misato replied, too drunk to care. "Well, seeya, Ritsu. I've a boy's cherry to pop, and the Call of the Horny is blaring. Bye!" She cut the communication.

* * *

Sitting in the tub full with warm weather, Shinji brooded again.

Then brooded a bit more.

His dream about his mother… it had been so vivid… But what did it mean? He had never had dreams like that one before.

And what about the EVA? Were they going to ask him to pilot that thing ever again? Why couldn't they just hire Kabuto Koji for that, or at least Heero Yuy? Why him of all people?

Why was his father so much of a jerk? Why didn't he care about him? And why had he that stupid, goofy goatee now? Mom had never liked men with goatees!

Then he felt the bathroom's door opening, and in came Misato, stumbling down to the shower after locking the door behind her with an evil small grin. "Mi-Misato-san!" he covered his crotch with his hands under the tub's water. He blushed like crazy. "Wh-what are you doing here?! I'm not finished yet!"

"Oh, cool down, Shin-chan," she said, pulling the pink top over her head revealing her white bra with the NERV logo in red. "You were taking way too damn long… I got tired of waiting…"

"I have been only two minutes here!" he protested as she took her small, tight blue jean shorts off, sliding them down her shapely legs. Then he saw the huge scar running between Misato's breasts, and through her flat belly, right after he could raise his stare from her white panties. "Misato-san?" he blinked in confusion. "H-How did you get that scar?"

She sighed. "I'd prefer not to talk about that yet, Shin-chan". She took her bra off, freeing her big, round breasts, titillating him (Hah! Pun!). "It's a very sad story, and I'd like to keep on the party mood tonight."

He nodded, mesmerized, as she also stripped off her panties and stood before him in her total glorious nakedness, opening the water flow of the shower and standing under it. She gave him a full view of her gorgeous, perfectly shaped big ass, and winked an eye at him seductively. "Well? What are you waiting for? This is a warrior's reward, a hero's reward. Come and get it," she teased, shaking her ass for him.

Shinji licked his dry lips, gulped down, and nodded. He stood up and walked to her. Misato wrapped her arms around the teenager and hugged him tightly against him, kissing him in the mouth with raging abandon.

Shinji rubbed his penis' head against her cunt covered by black pubic hair, and then pushed himself inside of her. They started to fuck, their wet bodies rubbing against each other as Misato pushed his young lover against a wall, allowing her to take better control of the situation.

She rubbed her big tits against his flaccid weak chest, poking the hardened nipples against his skin. He liked that sensation, and began to pinch and squeeze her nipples playfully with his hands, smiling.

"Mmmmmm… mmmmmmm, Shinjiiiiiiiiiiii…" the woman moaned out loud. "Your larger and thicker than you look… Oh yes, keep it going that way… That way… Yessss…"

He thrusted in and out of her; he was starting to get used to this and to find it a lot of fun. He grabbed her by the buttocks and held her in place as he speeded the pace, working towards their climax as he wildly licked and licked her breasts, tasting the hot water dripping between them. Wonderful Misato. Lovely Misato. Sexy Misato. Funny Misato. He could get used to her.

Finally, she screamed in ecstasy as he came inside of her tunnel, filling her to the uterus with his pearly cum, screaming her name time and time again until he stopped shooting his loads.

"Misato…" he finally said one final time, with a hoarse voice, hugging her with desperate calm, crying a bit and biting his lower bit. "Thank you… This means a lot to me… No one has ever done something like this for me before… Except maybe…"

"It's okay, Shin-chan," she cooed, caressing his hair with both hands, and kissing him in a cheek. "I only wanted to give you something to show you I cared… for what you did for us…"

"I think… I could fall in love with you," he weakly admitted, lowering his gaze to her bare feet.

"Well. We will see about that, won't we?" she smiled.

* * *

Hours later, she stared to the old ceiling as she laid on her futon, between a sea of junk, with him tightly sleeping embraced to her side, sinking his head between her warm breasts.

_"Shin-chan…"_ she softly whispered, even knowing she wasn't hearing her, and closed her eyes to finally drift into sleep. _"Thank you. I think I could fall in love with you too…"_

* * *

**To be Continued.**


End file.
